Thoughts from life.

LET ME SEE IF I GOT THIS RIGHT.

  IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.

  IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

  IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.

  IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.

  IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

  IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND 
YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.

  IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL 
PRISON TO ROT..

  IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET

  · A JOB,

  · A DRIVERS LICENSE,

  · SOCIAL SECURITY CARD,

  · WELFARE,

  · FOOD STAMPS,

  · CREDIT CARDS,

  · SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,

  · FREE EDUCATION,

  · FREE HEALTH CARE,

  · A LOBBYIST IN WASHINGTON

  · BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE

  · THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY'S FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DON'T 
GET ENOUGH RESPECT

  I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION.

1st Shade:

A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment, and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear'."

2nd Shade:

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the pavement and leans down to pick it up. She open s it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

She hands it to the second blonde.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

3rd Shade:

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.

She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

4th Shade:

A blonde brags about her knowledge of American state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead; ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy -- 'W'."

5th Shade:

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

6th Shade:

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch. "Wow!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was trampled on by an elephant! Are you OK, ma'am?"

"Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road, when from out of nowhere this tree popped up in front of me, so I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."

"Uh, madam," the officer said, cutting her off as he looked inside the car, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles, that was your air-freshener swinging back and forth."

7th Shade:

Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had been robbed.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?  They send me a BLIND policeman!"

Barak Obama meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

  "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

  Obama frowns, then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

  The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy, you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

  Tony Blair walks into the room and says, "Yes, my Queen?"

  The Queen smiles and says, "Answer me this please, Tony ~ ~ ~ Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister . . . Who is it?"

  Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

  "Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

  Obama goes back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question ~ ~ ~ "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

  "I'm not sure," says Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

  Biden asks Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

  Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy ~ It's me!"

  Biden smiles, and says, "Thanks!"

  Then, he goes back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.   It is Colin Powell!"

  Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! . . . It's Tony Blair!"

God: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What's going on down there? What happened to my dandelions, violets, and milkweed? I had a perfect  garden plan. Plants which grow in any soil, withstand drought, and multiply with abandon. Nectar from their long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and songbirds. There should be vast gardens of colors, but all I see are green rectangles.

St. Francis: It's the Suburbanite tribe, Lord. They call your flowers 'weeds' and go to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

God: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want grass?

St. Francis: Apparently so. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin by fertilizing it and poisoning any other plants that appear.

God: Spring rains and warm weather make grass grow fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

St. Francis: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it down -- sometimes twice a week.

God: They cut it? So then they bale it? Like hay?

St. Francis: Not exactly. They rake it into bags.

God: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop?

St. Francis: No, just the opposite; they pay to throw it away.

God: Now, let me get this straight: they fertilize grass so it will grow, then, when it does grow, they cut it and pay to throw it away?

St. Francis: Yes, Sir.

God: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when I cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That lack of growth must save them a lot of work.

St. Francis: You won't believe this, but when the rain stops, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

God: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. My trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes.

St. Francis: Not really. When the leaves fall, the Suburbanites bag them, too, and pay even more to have them hauled away.

God: No! Then how do they protect the roots through the winter and keep the soil moist?

St. Francis: After throwing away the leaves, they buy mulch, haul it home, and spread it around in place of the leaves.

God: And where do they get this mulch?

St. Francis: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

God: Enough about gardening! How's the Middle East going?

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the  undertakerthat she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:

"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker--postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.

For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows: 

      "RETURNED  UNOPENED"

The following is an actual question given on the University of Washington chemistry mid term. 

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well : 


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. 

One student, however, wrote the following: 

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. 

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we c an project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. 

This gives two possibilities: 

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. 

So which is it? 

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her:   "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh, that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January."